The email below is something I composed and sent to Clare's teacher last night. She has been coming home distraught over how she has been reacting to her friends lately. They aren't getting along well. One friend is the clear leader and decides what they will play. When Clare tries to take a turn with an idea, leader friend does not budge. Well meaning other friends try to change her mind, make her play, cajole her into compliance because they don't like the power struggle between the two super-powers. Clare loves to be in charge and feels aware that she is putting a strong desire to boss aside in order to take turns. Because she is yielding already, she is close to explosion when this situation occurs.
Because Clare has watched as I explore my own anger and boundaries through motherhood, and because she has seen 1000 power struggles ending in anger....followed by 1001 resolutions (sometimes between gritted teeth) that have led me to grace, she is intensely aware of her own problem in what is happening. I am awed by what she observes and honors about herself. She has asked for help in knowing how to walk away to calm herself and keeps addressing her need to do just that. But her friends are not letting her. They are terrified she won't return and feel the sting of rejection as she tries to care for herself. We have been walking her through it from here, but as that failed yesterday (when her teacher fussed at her for ignoring their attempts), I knew I had to address it. So I did. And this morning we talked.
I saw her teacher's assumptions of the situation crumble as I explained this very same way what was happening for Clare. I watched her very judgement of the situation shift into one of capacity and love for my daughter. I saw her shift her paradigm and opinion of playground resolution change on the spot. I didn't do that. I simply walked through the experience as I was led to, by Clare. I am determined to teach my kids to honor their processes, whatever they are...even when (and especially when) they are messy. I believe it is how we learn about ourselves and about life. I also believe that when we walk through this kind of messy and painful process, it is where we meet grace, where we find our source and learn how to step into our own unique power. It's life or death.
Kristin
Begin forwarded message:
From: Teacher
Subject: Re: Playground shenanigans
We can visit about this. :)
On Wed, May 22, 2013 at 8:17 PM, Kristin Braun <kristinlbraun@me.com> wrote:
Clare has been struggling lately on the playground. We've been walking her through it from here, but I think it's important to bring you in on it as she is working very hard to empower herself...and it isn't working very well. She told us she lost her temper today and is really just suffering with it in general. I don't want to give it to much attention or effort, as its the end of the year and drama always runs high for girls then. However, she is learning something here and I don't want to miss the opportunity while she is in an environment she trusts.
She is not enjoying the games that her friends are playing at recess. They don't play what she wants to play (a normal predicament) and at some point she just wants to walk away because she is frustrated and disappointed. Once she is at this point, she is overwhelmed and really feels the need to just sit and catch her breath alone so she doesn't lose her temper. But they aren't allowing her to do that and she isn't holding her ground. They follow her and ask what's wrong and encourage her to come back. I know they're trying to be nice and love her dearly. However, because she can't get space to calm down, she loses her temper. She doesn't really know how to ask for that space without being rude or hurting someone's feelings. So she is often stuck, not knowing how to proceed...and being followed...with questions. And thar she blows!
We are encouraging her to gently suggest another game and then if they don't want to play it, to realize that she can't force or change the situation...and walk away if she needs to. Our message is that everyone has a right to play and be who they are. Including her.
It's very important for her to find her gentle and firm voice. It's important that she can advocate for herself and recognize and honor her own desires and guidance. It's critical she honor her own right path, rather than follow along with something she doesn't like or feel compelled to do. She is working so hard on knowing and honoring herself and others at the same time.
I will keep guiding her from here. I just wanted you to be aware of the place she is working from. She loves her friends, and also doesn't want to play their games sometimes. I think that sums up my entire life. ;) maybe she can learn to handle it with more grace than I....
Much love and gratitude,
Kristin
Motherhood is not for sissies.
